How Much Should You Share About Your Arrangement With Friends?

You are in an arrangement, and it is going well. Or maybe it is not going well, and you need to vent. Either way, you want to talk to a friend about it. But how much should you actually share?

This is one of the most common dilemmas people in casual arrangements face—and getting it wrong can damage your arrangement, your friendships, or both.

Why This Question Is Harder Than It Seems

In traditional relationships, sharing details with friends is expected and usually harmless. Your best friend knows where you went on your anniversary, how the argument last week played out, and whether you are happy.

Casual arrangements are different for a few reasons:

There may be a confidentiality agreement in place. If you have agreed to keep things private, sharing with friends could be a direct violation.
Financial details carry stigma. Talking about the monetary aspects of an arrangement invites judgment that can affect how friends see both you and your partner.
Your partner's privacy is not yours to share. Even if you are comfortable with people knowing, the other person may not be—and their comfort matters equally.
Friends talk. Your trusted friend tells their partner, who mentions it to a colleague, who happens to know your arrangement partner's ex. Information travels.

Rather than thinking about this as an all-or-nothing decision, consider a tiered approach.

That you are seeing someone casually
General feelings about how things are going—happy, content, uncertain
That you have set clear expectations and boundaries
That you feel safe and respected (or that you do not, which is important for safety)

This tier gives friends enough context to be supportive without exposing the specifics of your arrangement.

The general nature of the arrangement (without specific financial details)
Challenges you are navigating, described in broad terms
Relationship dynamics that you need advice on

This tier requires choosing your audience carefully. Not every friend gets Tier 2 information—only those who are trustworthy, nonjudgmental, and discreet.

Tier 3: Keep to Yourself (Almost Always)

Specific financial terms—dollar amounts, payment schedules, gift details
Your partner's full name, workplace, or identifying information
Intimate physical details
Screenshots of conversations
Photos of your partner without their explicit consent

This tier exists because some information, once shared, cannot be unshared. And the potential consequences of it spreading are too significant to risk.

How to Choose Your Confidant

If you do decide to share, who you tell matters as much as what you tell them. Here is what to look for:

Choose someone who:

Has demonstrated discretion in the past with other sensitive information
Will not judge you or your arrangement
Understands that what you share is genuinely confidential
Does not have social connections that overlap with your arrangement partner's circle
Can give you useful perspective without needing every detail

Be cautious about sharing with:

Friends who are known for gossip, even when they mean well
Anyone who has a connection to your arrangement partner
Friends who have expressed strong moral opinions about arrangements like yours
People who share everything with their own partner (because then two people know)
Social media-heavy friends who might reference your situation in a post or story

The "Tell One Person" Strategy

Many people in arrangements find it helpful to designate one trusted person as their confidant. This serves several purposes:

Safety. Someone should know where you are and who you are with, especially in the early stages of an arrangement. This is basic personal safety.
Emotional support. Having one person you can talk to honestly reduces the pressure of keeping everything bottled up.
Reality check. A trusted outside perspective can help you recognize warning signs that you might miss from the inside.

If you use this strategy, be explicit with your confidant about what they can and cannot share. "I am telling you this in confidence. Please do not discuss it with anyone, including your partner" is a clear, fair request.

What to Do When Friends Press for Details

Some friends will not be satisfied with general answers. When someone pushes for more information than you want to share, try these approaches:

Deflect with honesty. "I am keeping the details private out of respect for both of us. I hope you can understand that."
Redirect. "I appreciate your curiosity, but I would rather talk about how I am feeling than the specifics."
Set a boundary. "I have shared what I am comfortable sharing. Please do not push for more—it puts me in an awkward position."
Use humor. "If I told you, I would have to have you sign an NDA." (This works better than you might think.)

What Your Agreement Says Matters

If you and your partner have a written arrangement with a confidentiality clause, review it before sharing anything with friends. Many confidentiality clauses include exceptions for sharing with licensed therapists or attorneys but do not extend to friends.

If your agreement is silent on this topic, bring it up. A simple conversation—"How do you feel about me talking to a close friend about our arrangement in general terms?"—can prevent misunderstandings later.

For guidance on having this kind of conversation, see How to Discuss Expectations Without It Being Awkward.

There is one situation where privacy concerns take a back seat: your safety. If you feel unsafe, threatened, or coerced in your arrangement, tell someone. Tell a friend, a family member, a therapist, or law enforcement.

No confidentiality clause can or should prevent you from seeking help when your wellbeing is at risk. Any agreement that tries to restrict this is a red flag.

If you are dealing with a privacy breach that affects your safety, see our guide on What to Do If Your Privacy Is Breached.

What People Get Wrong

"My friends already know, so it does not matter anymore." The details matter. There is a significant difference between "my friend knows I am in an arrangement" and "my friend knows my partner's name, income, and what we do on Thursdays." Each additional detail is a new risk.

"I only tell people I trust." Trust is not binary. Someone can be trustworthy in most contexts but unreliable when they have had a few drinks, are going through their own drama, or are talking to someone they are trying to impress.

"My partner will never find out." Maybe. But "maybe" is not a privacy strategy. If your partner discovers you have been sharing details they assumed were confidential, the damage to trust can be irreparable.

The Bottom Line

Share enough to stay safe and supported. Keep enough private to protect your partner, your arrangement, and your own integrity. Choose your confidants carefully, be explicit about what is and is not shareable, and remember that discretion is not dishonesty—it is respect.

Your arrangement is your business. Keep it that way.

Why This Question Is Harder Than It Seems

The Framework: Three Tiers of Sharing

Tier 1: Safe to Share (Usually)

Tier 2: Share Carefully and Selectively