Returning Gifts and Property After an Arrangement Ends

When a casual arrangement ends, one of the most awkward practical questions pops up almost immediately: who keeps what?

Maybe one person bought the other an expensive watch. Maybe there's a shared tablet, a key to an apartment, or a closet full of clothes at someone else's place. Figuring out what gets returned, what stays, and what gets split is rarely fun — but having a plan makes it a lot less painful.

The Core Principle: Gifts vs. Loans vs. Shared Property

Before you start boxing things up, you need to understand the difference between three categories:

Gifts

A gift is something given freely, with no expectation of return. Once given, it belongs to the recipient. Legally and ethically, the giver has no right to demand it back.

Examples: Birthday presents, jewelry given on a holiday, clothing bought as a surprise, a phone purchased "for you."

The rule: If it was given as a gift, it stays with the person who received it. Period. Asking for gifts back after an arrangement ends is generally considered poor form — and in most jurisdictions, you have no legal right to reclaim a completed gift.

Loans or Lent Items

These are items that were always meant to be temporary. One person let the other use something with the understanding it would be returned.

Examples: A spare key to an apartment, a book lent for reading, a laptop provided for the duration of the arrangement, a car made available for use.

The rule: These go back to the owner when the arrangement ends. No debate.

Shared or Co-Purchased Property

Items bought together or for shared use fall into a gray area. Who gets the espresso machine you both chipped in for? What about subscriptions paid for jointly?

The rule: Discuss it. If you can't agree, the person who paid more keeps it (or buys the other person out). For small items, sometimes the simplest move is to let it go rather than argue over a $30 item.

What People Get Wrong

"I paid for everything, so I own everything." Not how gifts work. If you gave someone a necklace for their birthday, it's theirs even though you paid for it. If you paid their rent as part of the arrangement, you don't get to reclaim those months of housing.

"They owe me for all the money I spent." Unless your arrangement explicitly included a repayment clause — which is unusual and potentially problematic — money spent during the arrangement is generally gone. Dinners, trips, experiences: those are spent, not invested.

"I'll just keep their stuff as leverage." This is manipulation, and depending on the value of the items, potentially theft. Return what isn't yours. Don't use property as a bargaining chip.

"Let's just figure it out later." No. The longer you wait, the messier it gets. Handle property within the notice period or within one week of the arrangement ending.

A Step-by-Step Process for Sorting Things Out

Step 1: Make an Inventory

Both people should independently list:

• Items they left at the other person's place
• Items the other person left at theirs
• Shared purchases
• Any outstanding financial obligations (unpaid bills, loans, etc.)

Step 2: Categorize Each Item

For each item on the list, determine: Is it a gift, a loan, or shared property? If you disagree on the category, discuss it calmly. When in doubt, look at the context — was it wrapped and presented on an occasion (gift) or provided with conditions (loan)?

Step 3: Arrange the Exchange

Options for the physical exchange:

• Meet in a neutral, public place. A coffee shop parking lot works. Keep it brief and businesslike.
• Ship items to each other. If meeting isn't practical or comfortable, mail works fine. Split the shipping cost or each person pays to send the other's items.
• Use a mutual friend as an intermediary. If emotions are running high, a trusted third party can handle the handoff.
• Leave items in a secure, agreed-upon spot. A front porch, a concierge desk, a locker.

Step 4: Settle Financial Loose Ends

• Cancel shared subscriptions and split any final charges
• Venmo or transfer any outstanding amounts
• Close any shared accounts
• If one person was receiving financial support as part of the arrangement, clarify the final payment date

Step 5: Confirm Completion

Once everything is exchanged and settled, both people should confirm: "We're square." This closes the loop and prevents future disputes.

Special Situations

Intimate Photos and Digital Content

This deserves its own section because it's serious. Any intimate photos, videos, or recordings shared during the arrangement should be permanently deleted by both parties when the arrangement ends — unless both people explicitly agree otherwise.

Sharing intimate images without consent is illegal in most jurisdictions. This is not negotiable.

• Delete from your phone, cloud storage, and any messaging apps
• Empty your "recently deleted" folder
• Confirm to the other person that you've done so
• If you're concerned the other person won't comply, document your request in writing

Expensive Items with Ambiguous Status

That designer bag — was it a gift or part of the arrangement's financial terms? If there's genuine ambiguity, try to negotiate in good faith. If the item was given as part of an ongoing financial arrangement (not a one-time gift), there's a stronger argument that it should be returned if the arrangement ends prematurely.

Items with Sentimental Value

A book of poetry with a handwritten inscription. A playlist. A piece of art created together. These don't have much financial value but carry emotional weight.

Consider: Would keeping this item help or hinder your healing? Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is let sentimental items go.

Preventing Property Disputes in the First Place

The best time to figure out property rules is before you accumulate shared property. When setting up your arrangement:

• Agree that gifts over a certain value will be discussed beforehand
• Keep receipts or records for expensive items
• Be explicit when lending vs. giving something ("You can use my iPad while we're together, but it stays mine")
• Include a brief property clause in your arrangement about what happens to shared purchases if things end
• Discuss the digital content policy upfront (see post-arrangement boundaries)

The Bottom Line

Property after an arrangement ends is really about one thing: fairness. Be honest about what's yours, what's theirs, and what belongs to both of you. Handle it quickly, handle it directly, and once it's done, move on.

For more guidance on navigating endings, visit our Ending Arrangements hub. And if you're dealing with a more complex financial entanglement, When to Hire a Lawyer can help you determine if professional advice is warranted.

Note: This article provides general guidance and does not constitute legal advice. Property laws vary by jurisdiction. If there's a significant amount of money or property at stake, consult a qualified attorney.