Writing a Confidentiality Section That Actually Works

Every casual agreement should include a confidentiality section. Almost none of them get it right.

The typical confidentiality clause says something like: "Both parties agree to keep the details of this arrangement private." That sounds reasonable, but it is so vague that it protects no one. What counts as "details"? Private from whom? What happens if someone violates the clause? What about after the arrangement ends?

A confidentiality section that actually works needs to be specific, balanced, and practical. Here is how to write one.

Why Confidentiality Matters in Casual Arrangements

Casual arrangements—whether they are sugar arrangements, friends with benefits, or mentorships—often involve information that both parties would prefer to keep private:

The existence of the arrangement itself
Financial details
Personal information (addresses, workplaces, family details)
Intimate details or photos
Professional information shared in confidence

A breach of confidentiality can damage careers, relationships, reputations, and mental health. Both parties have a right to privacy, and a well-written confidentiality section is how you protect that right.

The Five Elements of a Strong Confidentiality Section

1. Define What Is Confidential

Do not leave this to interpretation. List the categories of information that are confidential:

Always include:

The existence of the arrangement
The terms of the agreement
Financial details (amounts, payment methods, accounts)
Personal contact information (phone numbers, addresses, emails)
Identifying information about the other person's family, employer, or social circle
Private photos, videos, or communications
Health information
Any information the other person has specifically asked to keep private

Consider including:

Locations where you meet
Gifts given or received
Details about the other person's home or lifestyle
Information about other relationships or arrangements

Be explicit. If it is not listed as confidential, someone could reasonably argue it is not covered.

2. Define Who Can Know

Total secrecy is usually unrealistic. Most people confide in at least one trusted person. Address this honestly:

Named exceptions: "Each party may confide in up to one trusted person, provided that person is informed of the confidentiality obligation." This is realistic and prevents the clause from being immediately violated.
Professional exceptions: Attorneys, therapists, and medical professionals generally need to be carved out. Information shared with these professionals is typically privileged anyway.
Legal obligations: If either party is legally compelled to disclose information (court order, legal proceeding), that disclosure does not count as a breach.

What you should NOT allow:

Social media posts about the arrangement
Sharing information with mutual friends without the other person's consent
Sharing photos or screenshots of private communications
Discussing the arrangement in ways that could identify the other person, even without using their name

3. Cover Digital Privacy Specifically

In 2025, most confidentiality breaches happen digitally. Your section should address:

Communications:

Which platforms do you use to communicate? (Choose encrypted options where possible.)
Are screenshots of conversations permitted?
What happens to message history if the arrangement ends?

Photos and media:

Are private photos exchanged between parties confidential?
Can photos be stored on cloud services? (Cloud storage can be compromised or subpoenaed.)
What happens to photos if the arrangement ends? (Deletion timeline, verification)

Social media:

Can either party post photos of the other on social media?
What about check-ins at shared locations?
What if someone else posts a photo of you together?

Devices:

Should conversations be deleted after reading?
Are notifications displayed on lock screens? (A small detail that has caused big problems.)
What happens if a device is lost or stolen?

4. Define the Consequences

A confidentiality clause without consequences is a suggestion. Spell out what happens if someone breaches confidentiality:

Realistic consequences for casual agreements:

The arrangement ends immediately
The breaching party is responsible for any costs incurred by the other party as a result of the breach (reputation management, legal consultation, etc.)
The non-breaching party is released from any confidentiality obligations regarding the breach itself (meaning they can share what happened if needed for their own protection)

What NOT to include:

Threats of legal action you do not intend to follow through on
Financial penalties that are disproportionate (these can actually make a clause less enforceable)
Anything that sounds like blackmail or coercion

Note: The enforceability of confidentiality clauses in casual agreements is limited and varies by jurisdiction. These clauses work primarily as a clear moral and social commitment. They may not hold up in court the way a commercial NDA would. Consult an attorney if enforceability is important to you.

5. Address Post-Arrangement Confidentiality

Confidentiality should not end when the arrangement does. In fact, post-arrangement is often when breaches are most likely—when someone is angry, hurt, or feels they have nothing to lose.

Specify:

Confidentiality obligations survive the end of the arrangement (use this exact language)
The timeline for deleting private photos, messages, or other personal data after the arrangement ends
A process for confirming deletion (screenshot of empty folder, mutual verification)
That post-arrangement contact about confidentiality issues is handled through a specific channel

What People Get Wrong

"We'll just trust each other." Trust is great. Trust with a written agreement is better. The agreement is not a replacement for trust—it is a clear statement of what trust means in practical terms.

"The confidentiality goes both ways, so it's fair." Mutual wording does not automatically mean mutual protection. If one person has more to lose from public exposure (a public figure, a married person, someone in a sensitive profession), the stakes are not equal even if the language is. Make sure the protections account for what each person actually needs.

"If they break confidentiality, I'll sue." In most jurisdictions, enforcing a confidentiality clause from a casual agreement is extremely difficult, expensive, and may not succeed. Do not rely on legal enforcement as your safety net. The clause's value is in setting clear expectations and creating a documented moral commitment.

Writing a confidentiality clause that is actually a threat. "If you tell anyone about this arrangement, I will [consequence]" is not a confidentiality clause. It is intimidation. Confidentiality should protect both parties, not silence one of them. This crosses into power imbalance territory.

A Template Confidentiality Section

Here is a framework you can adapt:

Confidentiality

Both parties agree that the following information is confidential: [list categories].

Neither party will share confidential information with any person except: (a) one trusted confidant who has been informed of the confidentiality obligation, (b) licensed professionals (attorneys, therapists, medical providers), or (c) as required by law.

Neither party will share, publish, or distribute private photos, videos, messages, or other media involving the other party without explicit written consent.

If either party breaches this confidentiality section, [consequences].

Upon the end of this arrangement, both parties will delete all private photos, messages, and personal data belonging to the other party within [timeframe], and confirm deletion in writing.

The obligations in this section survive the end of the arrangement.

Customize this for your specific situation. The more specific, the better.

The Bottom Line

A confidentiality section is not about paranoia. It is about respect for each other's privacy and a practical acknowledgment that information shared in private should stay private. Write it clearly, make it mutual, address digital privacy, and ensure it survives the end of the arrangement.

For more on building strong agreements, visit our Writing Your Agreement hub.