Why You Should Write Down Your Casual Agreement (Even If It Feels Weird)

Let's address the elephant in the room: writing down the terms of a casual arrangement feels weird. It feels corporate. It feels like you're turning a human connection into a business deal. It feels like asking someone to sign a prenup on a first date.

We get it. And you should do it anyway.

Not because you don't trust the other person. Not because you're expecting the worst. But because written agreements are one of the most effective tools for preventing the miscommunication, disappointment, and conflict that sink perfectly good arrangements.

The Case for Writing It Down

Memory Is Unreliable

You had a great conversation over dinner. You discussed expectations, boundaries, financial terms, and communication preferences. You both left feeling aligned and excited.

Three weeks later, one of you remembers agreeing to weekly meetups. The other remembers bi-weekly. One of you remembers the allowance as X. The other remembers it as Y. Neither is lying — human memory just isn't that precise, especially for conversations that happen once and cover a lot of ground.

A written record eliminates "I thought we agreed on..." conversations entirely.

It Forces Clarity

There's a phenomenon in conversation where two people can discuss something, both nod in agreement, and walk away with entirely different understandings. Verbal communication allows for this kind of comfortable vagueness.

Writing doesn't. When you put "we'll meet regularly" in writing, you're immediately forced to define what "regularly" means. Weekly? Twice a month? That specificity might feel excessive in conversation, but on paper, it's just clarity.

The act of writing surfaces ambiguity that conversation hides.

It Creates Accountability

When expectations are only verbal, it's easy to drift from them gradually. "We said we'd meet weekly, but it's been three weeks..." is hard to address when there's no record of the original agreement.

A written agreement creates a reference point. Not as a weapon ("Page 2, paragraph 3 clearly states...") but as a shared foundation. "Hey, we agreed to weekly meetups. We've fallen off. Should we adjust the agreement or get back on track?"

It Reduces Power Imbalances

In arrangements where there's a financial component, an age gap, or a difference in experience, verbal agreements tend to favor the person with more power. They set the terms, and the other person goes along.

Written agreements give both parties time to review, think, and push back. They create a record that both people can reference. And they make it harder for one person to unilaterally change terms while claiming "we never agreed to that." For more on this dynamic, see recognizing power imbalances.

It Makes Difficult Conversations Easier

Writing an agreement often surfaces topics that neither person would have raised independently. Exit terms. Financial specifics. Physical boundaries. Privacy expectations.

The process of drafting the agreement becomes the framework for having these conversations, which is often easier than raising them cold. "So for the agreement, we should probably cover what happens with photos..." is a smoother entry point than "Hey, we need to talk about revenge porn."

What Your Written Agreement Doesn't Need to Be

It Doesn't Need to Be a Legal Contract

Most casual agreements aren't legally binding contracts, and they don't need to be. They're shared documents that record what two people discussed and agreed to. See why casual agreements aren't contracts for more on this distinction.

It Doesn't Need Legal Language

Skip the "heretofore" and "party of the first part." Write it in the same language you'd use in a text message. If both people can't understand every word, it's too complicated. See plain language vs. legal language.

It Doesn't Need to Be Long

A good casual agreement can be one page. Cover the essentials:

What the arrangement is
What each person expects
Financial terms (if applicable)
Communication expectations
Key boundaries
Privacy terms
How to handle changes
How to end the arrangement

That's it. One page, plain language, both people's input.

It Doesn't Need to Be Signed in Blood

A shared Google Doc works. A text thread where you confirm the terms works. An email summarizing your conversation works. The format matters much less than the content.

How to Bring It Up Without Killing the Mood

This is where people get stuck. You're into someone. Things are going well. How do you say "let's write this down" without sounding like a corporate compliance officer?

Option 1: Frame it as care. "I want to make sure we're both getting what we want out of this. Can we jot down what we discussed so we're on the same page?"

Option 2: Normalize it. "I've learned from past experience that having a simple written understanding prevents a lot of miscommunication. Would you be up for that?"

Option 3: Make it collaborative. "Let's put together a quick shared doc with our expectations. I'll start it, you add yours, and we'll finalize together."

Option 4: Lead with vulnerability. "This might sound formal, but I've had situations where verbal agreements fell apart because we remembered things differently. I'd rather be clear upfront."

If someone reacts negatively to the suggestion of writing things down — if they're offended, dismissive, or refuse outright — that's worth noting. Why would someone resist a document that simply records what they've already verbally agreed to?

What to Include: A Quick Template

Here's a minimal starting point. Adapt it to your specific arrangement:

Our Arrangement

What this is: [Brief description of the arrangement type and what it looks like]

Expectations:

[Person A's main expectations]
[Person B's main expectations]

Financial terms: [If applicable — amount, frequency, method]

Communication: [How often, what platforms, response time expectations]

Boundaries: [Key boundaries for both parties]

Privacy: [What's private, who can know, social media rules]

Changes: [How either person can request changes to the arrangement]

Ending the arrangement: [How much notice, what happens to shared content, any transition period]

Check-ins: [How often you'll revisit this document]

For more detailed templates, see how to structure a casual agreement.

Revisiting and Updating

A written agreement isn't carved in stone. It should be a living document that evolves as your arrangement does. Plan to review it during regular check-ins, and update it whenever:

Either person's circumstances change significantly
You agree to modify any terms
New issues arise that aren't covered
The arrangement evolves in nature or intensity

When you update, keep the old version (or at least note what changed and when). This creates a history that helps both people track how the arrangement has evolved.

The Common Objections

"It feels too formal." It's only as formal as you make it. A bulleted text message is informal. It's also written.

"If we need to write things down, maybe we don't trust each other." You write down your grocery list and you trust yourself. Writing things down is about memory and clarity, not trust.

"What if they use it against me?" Be thoughtful about what you include. Don't write down anything that would be damaging if seen by others. Focus on expectations and boundaries, not confessions.

"It'll kill the spontaneity." Knowing the framework actually increases spontaneity because you're not spending mental energy wondering where you stand. You're free to enjoy the arrangement because the foundation is clear.

The Bottom Line

Writing down your casual agreement takes thirty minutes and prevents months of miscommunication. It doesn't need to be a legal document, it doesn't need to be formal, and it doesn't need to be long. It just needs to exist.

The arrangements that last are the ones where both people know exactly what they signed up for. A written agreement makes that possible. So yes, it might feel a little weird the first time. Do it anyway.

For next steps, see how to structure a casual agreement and the expectation-setting conversation guide.