How to Handle Amendments and Updates to Your Agreement
You wrote an agreement. Both of you signed it. Three months later, something needs to change—maybe the financial terms, maybe the meeting frequency, maybe a boundary that seemed fine at first but does not work anymore.
This is completely normal. In fact, if your agreement never needs updating, it probably means one or both of you is silently tolerating terms that no longer work. The question is not whether you will need to amend your agreement—it is whether you have a process for doing it well.
Why Amendments Matter
An agreement that does not evolve with the arrangement becomes irrelevant. When the written terms no longer match reality, both parties stop referring to the agreement, and you are back to the unwritten, ambiguous expectations that the agreement was supposed to prevent.
Regular amendments keep your agreement alive and functional. They also signal something important: both parties are paying attention, both parties care about the arrangement working, and both parties are willing to adapt.
The Amendment Process: Step by Step
Step 1: Identify What Needs to Change
Be specific. "Things aren't working" is a feeling, not an amendment request. Before starting the conversation, clarify for yourself:
- Which specific section or term needs to change?
- What is the current term?
- What do you want it to be?
- Why is the change needed?
Examples of specific amendment requests:
- "I'd like to change the meeting frequency from weekly to biweekly."
- "I want to adjust the financial terms from $2,000 to $2,500 per month to reflect increased costs."
- "I need to add a boundary about communication during work hours."
Step 2: Propose the Change
Raise the topic at an appropriate time—ideally during a scheduled check-in, not in the middle of another conversation or during a disagreement.
Frame it collaboratively:
- "I'd like to discuss adjusting [specific term]. Here's what I'm thinking and why."
- Avoid: "We need to change the agreement because [complaint about the other person]."
The goal is a conversation, not a confrontation. Proposals should feel like a shared project, not an ultimatum.
Step 3: Discuss and Negotiate
The other person may agree immediately, propose a counter-offer, or need time to think. All of these are valid responses. What is not valid:
- Refusing to discuss the change at all
- Retaliating for the request (reducing support, becoming distant, making threats)
- Agreeing verbally but not following through
If you cannot agree on the change, revisit after a cooling-off period. If you still cannot agree, you may need to decide whether the arrangement works without the change.
Step 4: Document the Change
This is the step most people skip, and it is the most important. Verbal agreements to change terms are worth nothing when memories differ.
Document the amendment by:
- Adding it to the existing agreement document (with the date of the change)
- Creating a separate amendment document that references the original agreement
- At minimum, sending a text or email confirming the change: "Just to confirm what we discussed—starting next month, [new term]. Let me know if I got anything wrong."
Step 5: Retain the Original
Do not delete or overwrite the original terms. Keep a version history. This serves multiple purposes:
- You can reference what the terms used to be
- It creates a record of how the arrangement has evolved
- If there is ever a dispute about what was agreed, you have documentation
Types of Changes
Minor Adjustments
Schedule changes, communication preferences, minor boundary tweaks. These usually require a brief conversation and a quick written confirmation.
Example: "Starting this week, can we move our Tuesday meetings to Wednesday? My schedule changed."
Significant Changes
Financial terms, major boundary changes, changes to exclusivity, or changes to the scope of the arrangement. These deserve a full conversation, time for both parties to consider the proposal, and a formal written amendment.
Example: "I'd like to discuss increasing the monthly support to reflect the new expectations we've been operating under. Can we sit down this weekend to talk about it?"
Emergency Changes
Sometimes circumstances force immediate changes—a health issue, a job loss, a safety concern. In these cases, make the change first, document it as soon as practically possible, and have a full discussion when both parties are stable.
Example: "I need to pause our arrangement for the next two weeks because of [reason]. I wanted to let you know right away, and we can discuss the terms when I'm back."
Building Amendments into Your Original Agreement
The best time to plan for amendments is when you write the original agreement. Include an amendment section that covers:
How to propose a change:
Either party may propose an amendment to this agreement at any time by raising the topic during a scheduled check-in or by sending a written proposal via [agreed communication channel].
How changes are decided:
Amendments require both parties' agreement. Neither party may unilaterally change the terms of this agreement.
How changes are documented:
All amendments will be documented in writing, dated, and signed (or acknowledged) by both parties. The amendment will reference the specific section being modified and state both the original term and the new term.
Version control:
Both parties will retain copies of all previous versions of the agreement, including superseded terms.
Scheduled Reviews vs. Ad Hoc Amendments
Both approaches have a place:
Scheduled reviews (monthly or quarterly) create a regular opportunity to discuss what is working and what is not. They normalize the conversation about changes and prevent issues from building up. During a review, both parties go through each section of the agreement and confirm whether the terms still work.
Ad hoc amendments address issues as they arise. They are appropriate for urgent changes or clear improvements that do not need to wait for a scheduled review.
The ideal approach uses both: scheduled reviews as the primary mechanism, with ad hoc amendments for time-sensitive changes.
What People Get Wrong
"If I ask for changes, they'll think I'm unhappy." Asking for changes is not a sign of unhappiness. It is a sign that you are paying attention and invested in making the arrangement work. A partner who takes this personally is not responding to your request—they are responding to their own insecurity.
"They changed the terms without telling me." If one person starts behaving differently without formally amending the agreement—showing up less often, reducing financial support, expanding expectations—that is not an amendment. That is a unilateral breach. Address it directly: "I've noticed [specific change]. That's different from what we agreed. Can we discuss this?"
"We agreed verbally, so it's fine." It is not fine. Verbal amendments are invitations for "I don't remember agreeing to that" conversations. Write it down. A text message is sufficient. A formal addendum is better. Anything is better than relying on memory.
"The whole agreement needs to be rewritten." Usually not. Most changes affect one or two sections. You do not need to start from scratch—just modify the specific terms that need updating and leave the rest intact. Refer to our guide on how to structure a casual agreement if you ever do need a full rewrite.
One-sided amendments. If every change benefits the same person, the amendment process is being used as a tool for gradual exploitation. Both parties should track the direction of changes over time and push back if the pattern is consistently one-sided. Read our article on signs of a one-sided agreement for more warning signs.
A Template for Documenting Amendments
Keep it simple:
Amendment to [Agreement Name] Date: [Date]
Section being amended: [Section number or title]
Original term: [Exact wording of the current term]
New term: [Exact wording of the new term]
Reason for change: [Brief explanation]
Effective date: [When the new term takes effect]
Acknowledged by: [Name 1] — [Date] [Name 2] — [Date]
The Bottom Line
Amendments are not a sign of a failing arrangement. They are a sign of a living one. The arrangements that last are the ones where both parties feel comfortable raising concerns, proposing changes, and adapting the terms to fit their evolving needs.
Build the amendment process into your agreement from day one. Use it regularly. And always, always write it down.
For more on maintaining effective agreements, visit our Writing Your Agreement hub.